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Why Do Guys Disappear?

John Powers
John Powers

Ah, the great disappearing act. It seems like anytime you find someone you are really into, they don’t stick around. That’s not unusual. Many people have experienced this. You meet a guy at a bar and have several dates… and then nothing. It seemed like everything was going well and yet he doesn’t return any of your calls, and he even deleted you off his facebook friends list. It’s as if he’s lost your number (or his phone!) Well, I can assure you… his phone is fine. There are several factors that could cause a man to pull a Houdini, and I’ll lay them out in no particular order for you…

  1. He doesn’t return your affection. For some reason the people who you are really into are just not into you. He might be the best you’ve found and everything about him makes you feel like the luckiest woman in the world. He might be everything you’ve ever wanted in a man… but are you everything he’s ever wanted in a woman? You may be an incredible person. Really special in many ways… but just not what he’s looking for. Try not to take it personally. It takes time and patience but eventually you will find someone who is a good fit for you.
  2. He is not ready for anything serious. A man needs to be emotionally available if you are going to be able to get involved with something that has substance. He may treat you right and seem to have it all together, but if the dude is carrying the weight of his last breakup, or if he is just looking to tap some tail then he might not be ready for something new. Feel him out. See how ready he might be for something more than just a fling… but beware, this takes tact. You don’t want to ask, “So… are you ready to get serious?” The more subtle you can be the better, as long as you’re able to get your info. Let him tell you how into it he is.
  3. You may have freaked him out. Many guys have a “freak out meter” that measures how much attention they can take coming at them from a person they are dating. They have a threshold and once they feel like you have gone over their limit, they are likely to disappear. I’m sure you would do the same if some guy were more into you than you would prefer. Take things slow. Even if you are totally into this guy… try not to scare him away. Men are like frightened animals in nature and if you startle them, they will run away.

It all comes down to balance. If you’re more into him than he is into you… it’s not gonna work. Likewise if he’s more into you than you are into him… it’s not gonna work. Sometimes I picture the scales of justice and attempt to visualize how much weight is on either side of the relationship. It’s fitting that you called it disappearing because the entire act of dating is similar to a tightrope act. Any miscalculation to either side could topple the whole thing over the edge. Hopefully there is a safety net.

– John Powers


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