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Dating Profile Clichés

John Powers
John Powers
The funniest thing you can do is browse dating profiles with single friends. A friend of mine uses Tinder and it’s hilarious to watch him go, “nope… nope… nope.” He’s very attractive so he can get away with that, but for most people internet dating is just as hard as real-life dating. My friend often recites profile clichés to me as he reads them and we laugh about the ridiculous descriptions these people write about themselves.

 

It usually starts like, “I never know what to write here. Lol.” Why are you laughing? That’s not funny. Please stop laughing without a reason. Not knowing what to write about yourself is not funny… it’s a serious problem. Are you an empty human with nothing to offer? The next line is usually something like, “I never thought I would do this, but a friend of mine just married a guy she met on here.” Wait, are you too good for internet dating? Also, that’s more of a warning than a statement. Move right to the next profile. Her friend got married and she’s expecting the same result. This sounds like someone willing to settle down with whomever wants to. That could be an issue.

 

What comes next is usually a few contradictions… “I’m laid back but I know when to take things seriously. I like going out but I also like to stay in. I’m comfy in jeans but I like getting dressed up for the right occasion. I like clubs but I also like bars and lounges.” Wait, which is it? You covered everything there. Get specific. Pick one of the options you just offered. Which do you prefer… going out or staying in? Relaxed or intense? Casual or business attire? These are important questions. Staying generic shows flexibility and a complete lack of personality. Who are you? Be honest.

 

Like when it says, “I like all kinds of music.” No you don’t. You bought Taylor Swift’s last album. Just say so. When I turn on my car stereo and you are bombarded with Alice in Chains… you’re gonna wish you had been more specific. Seriously. The same goes for movies and television. “I like all kinds of movies.” Really? Name your top three. I want to see the diversity in your choices. Goodfellas, Something About Mary and Friday the 13th?

 

Then she’ll round it out with something like, “I like to travel,” because unless you tell people that, most of us assume that you hate tropical islands and a countryside somewhere in Europe. Everyone likes to travel, especially when a handsome stranger on the internet is paying for it. Forget occasional trips to the state fair or a weekend at a bed & breakfast, this is a girl who doesn’t want to work hard and make smart financial decisions. She wants to live an exciting, carefree life of luxury. Close the tab.

 

“My family and friends are very important to me” always makes me smile. Of course they are. They’re your family and friends. “Well, my mom means a lot to me because she gave birth to me one time, and my dad helped her do that so he’s important too.” Just once I want to see a profile that says, “My family and friends are meaningless to me.” 

 

No dating profile would be complete without describing what she’s looking for. Usually she’ll start with a joke, “I’m looking for my prince charming. Lol” She’s not joking at all. Statistics show that 85% of women think they are actually a princess. “I’m looking for a guy who can make me laugh.” Not really though. I’m a comedian and I can tell you most women are not looking for witty punchlines and an outside-the-box perspective. You didn’t laugh at all when I joked that your handicapped brother looked like Willow. That was damn funny.

 

Nothing is worse than the girl who writes way too much on her profile. We are trying to decide if we want to meet you, not investing time in an unpublished romance novel. It’s longer than half of Shakespeare’s short stories and more gruesome than Poe. If you ever agreed to meet this girl in person there would be nothing left to talk about. When you finally get to the bottom of all this drivel it says, “If you like what you read send me a message!” Sorry lady, but nobody read all of that. At the most we skimmed it for words like ‘blowjob’ or ‘multiple orgasm.’ What you wrote was as generic as a horoscope and lengthier than the Lord of the Rings series…
 
I’m sure your inbox will be full in no time.
_____________________
Recently I was approached by a representative of Reviews.com. The team over there enjoyed this particular column and found it very insightful. Well, their research is also very insightful. Take a look at their official research into which online dating site is the best.  
(Spoiler Alert: it’s OkCupid!) 


– John Powers
@ComicJohnPowers
http://www.johnjpowers.com
https://www.facebook.com/DearJohnPowers

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8 thoughts on “Dating Profile Clichés”

  1. As a serial internet dater (unfortunately) this is a post I can really relate to. Spent a little time this morning mocking up a profile typical of the NYC dating scene.
    ———————————————————————

    Username: LiveLifeFullestTravellerGirlNYC567385
    Age: 30

    About me:

    I’m really not very good writing or talking about myself which is strange because this bad boys going to run about 700 words.

    Let’s get this out of the way. I love to travel! I literally do it every day. Sometimes I just travel from my bedroom to my bathroom or to the Duane Reed on my corner but I’m very mobile and so always traveling or at least moving my body from one place to another place. I Literally have to bring my passport with me everywhere I go because I’m liable to just show up at the airport and jump on a plane to India, Malawi or somewhere equally pretentious that shows what an adventurous person I am.

    My family is extremely important to me because they are my family. My mother for instance provided me with all the necessary nourishment in her womb for 9 months while she was pregnant and then pushed me out of her birth canal. After that she fed, clothed and educated me for close to a quarter of a century so I tend to talk to her a lot and see her when I can and you could even say I love her because, again, she is my mother. I also like my dad who had sexual intercourse with my mom at least that one time and also contributed to my development as a child by having a job and letting me live in his house.

    When I’m not traveling or loving my family I just try to live life to the fullest, to squeeze every last drop of life living out of life itself. I actually have not slept for over a decade because I’m afraid to miss something! While you’ve been eating, walking place and evacuating your bowels regularly I’ve been just grabbing life by the balls and living it every second of every day. I live hard and also I play hard, so hard that I suffer from really bad hemorrhoids just from straining all the time and over exerting myself in my life living.

    What else?

    Oh, I love books and music because I am a human being and human beings have liked those things for literally thousands of years.

    And my friends are also important to me because I like them and they like me. What happened was we met at different places like school or work and they were from similar socio-economic backgrounds and we had the same experiences and so we kept in regular communication, and still do. Sometimes we go to dinner or out for drinks. I like to tell them about things that are happing in my life and they like to tell me the same sorts of things.

    I am loving, caring, intelligent, confident, agreeable, brave, calm, delightful, eager, faithful, gentle, happy, jolly, kind, lively, nice, obedient, proud, relieved, silly, thankful, victorious, witty, zealous, adaptable, adventurous, affable, affectionate, agreeable, ambitious, amiable, amicable,, amusing, brave, bright, broad-minded, calm, careful, charming, communicative, compassionate , conscientious, considerate, convivial, courageous, courteous, creative, decisive, determined, diligent, diplomatic, discreet, dynamic, easygoing, emotional, energetic, enthusiastic, extroverted, exuberant, fair-minded, faithful, fearless, forceful, frank, friendly, funny, generous, gentle, good, gregarious, hard-working, helpful, honest, humorous, imaginative, impartial, independent, intellectual, intelligent, intuitive, inventive, kind, loving, loyal, modest, neat, nice, optimistic, passionate, patient, persistent, pioneering, philosophical, placid, plucky, polite, powerful, practical, pro-active, quick-witted, quiet, rational, reliable, reserved, resourceful, romantic, self-confident, self-disciplined, sensible, sensitive, shy, sincere, sociable, straightforward, sympathetic, thoughtful, tidy, tough, unassuming, understanding, versatile, warmhearted, willing and witty.

    Wait I’m not done yet!

    I am comfortable literally anywhere, ANYWHERE!

    In a barbeque joint or a fancy restaurant.

    In jeans or a dress.

    In a root cellar or a tool and dye shop.

    The back of a pick-up truck or a Pakistani madrasa.

    The engine room of an aircraft carrier or backstage at an REO Speedwagon concert.

    At The Samhung stop on the Pyonyang subway system or in the Quarterfinals of the 1992 NIT.

    Playing Steve Hubbel in a Streetcar Named Desire or in the upper Polog Valley region of the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia

    Or even at a dive bar.

    Look forward to hearing from you!

  2. “i’m bored. who’s up for [buying me] drinks? no creeps*, though.”
    –every woman with an online dating profile

    “six things i couldn’t live without: my iphone, my dog, coffee, my iphone (twice, lol), my family, and netflix.”
    –every woman with an online dating profile

    “i love to travel. i mostly visit third world countries to feel better about living in a first world country.”
    –every woman with an online dating profile

    “most private thing i’m willing to admit: i have an online dating profile.”
    –every woman with an online dating profile

    ========================================

    *creep [kreep] creepy, creeper. noun.
    1. any man who is equally or more interested in me than i am in him.

    girl 1: “that guy was really nice to me, but i didn’t want him to be. what a creep.”
    girl 2: “yeah. well, i’m sure you’ll find a nice guy, sooner or later.”
    girl 1: “yeah.”
    girl 2: “yeah.”

  3. John! Good true facts about dating those girls with a tuff outter shell. Also a girl needs to be decisive otherwise shes too much of a roller coaster to ride!

  4. Haha, best line:

    “I’m a comedian and I can tell you most women are not looking for witty punchlines and an outside-the-box perspective.”

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