The funniest thing you can do is browse dating profiles with single friends. A friend of mine uses Tinder and it’s hilarious to watch him go, “nope… nope… nope.” He’s very attractive so he can get away with that, but for most people internet dating is just as hard as real-life dating. My friend often recites profile clichés to me as he reads them and we laugh about the ridiculous descriptions these people write about themselves.
It usually starts like, “I never know what to write here. Lol.” Why are you laughing? That’s not funny. Please stop laughing without a reason. Not knowing what to write about yourself is not funny… it’s a serious problem. Are you an empty human with nothing to offer? The next line is usually something like, “I never thought I would do this, but a friend of mine just married a guy she met on here.” Wait, are you too good for internet dating? Also, that’s more of a warning than a statement. Move right to the next profile. Her friend got married and she’s expecting the same result. This sounds like someone willing to settle down with whomever wants to. That could be an issue.
What comes next is usually a few contradictions… “I’m laid back but I know when to take things seriously. I like going out but I also like to stay in. I’m comfy in jeans but I like getting dressed up for the right occasion. I like clubs but I also like bars and lounges.” Wait, which is it? You covered everything there. Get specific. Pick one of the options you just offered. Which do you prefer… going out or staying in? Relaxed or intense? Casual or business attire? These are important questions. Staying generic shows flexibility and a complete lack of personality. Who are you? Be honest.
Like when it says, “I like all kinds of music.” No you don’t. You bought Taylor Swift’s last album. Just say so. When I turn on my car stereo and you are bombarded with Alice in Chains… you’re gonna wish you had been more specific. Seriously. The same goes for movies and television. “I like all kinds of movies.” Really? Name your top three. I want to see the diversity in your choices. Goodfellas, Something About Mary and Friday the 13th?
Then she’ll round it out with something like, “I like to travel,” because unless you tell people that, most of us assume that you hate tropical islands and a countryside somewhere in Europe. Everyone likes to travel, especially when a handsome stranger on the internet is paying for it. Forget occasional trips to the state fair or a weekend at a bed & breakfast, this is a girl who doesn’t want to work hard and make smart financial decisions. She wants to live an exciting, carefree life of luxury. Close the tab.
“My family and friends are very important to me” always makes me smile. Of course they are. They’re your family and friends. “Well, my mom means a lot to me because she gave birth to me one time, and my dad helped her do that so he’s important too.” Just once I want to see a profile that says, “My family and friends are meaningless to me.”
No dating profile would be complete without describing what she’s looking for. Usually she’ll start with a joke, “I’m looking for my prince charming. Lol” She’s not joking at all. Statistics show that 85% of women think they are actually a princess. “I’m looking for a guy who can make me laugh.” Not really though. I’m a comedian and I can tell you most women are not looking for witty punchlines and an outside-the-box perspective. You didn’t laugh at all when I joked that your handicapped brother looked like Willow. That was damn funny.
Nothing is worse than the girl who writes way too much on her profile. We are trying to decide if we want to meet you, not investing time in an unpublished romance novel. It’s longer than half of Shakespeare’s short stories and more gruesome than Poe. If you ever agreed to meet this girl in person there would be nothing left to talk about. When you finally get to the bottom of all this drivel it says, “If you like what you read send me a message!” Sorry lady, but nobody read all of that. At the most we skimmed it for words like ‘blowjob’ or ‘multiple orgasm.’ What you wrote was as generic as a horoscope and lengthier than the Lord of the Rings series…
I’m sure your inbox will be full in no time.
– John Powers