guys at bar insane chivalry suckler egotist non-committal player friend with benefits

Which Insane Guy Are You Dating?

John Powers
John Powers

There are lots of guys out there. Some are better for you than others. Some are more ready for a serious relationship than others. We each bring different attributes to the table. Here’s a list of insane guys you may want to avoid. Some fall into more than one of these categories, and some have more intense behaviors than others…

1. The Chivalrous One
He thinks it’s the 1800s. He doesn’t let you do anything without him. When you’re not together he often texts asking where you are and if you’re alright. He has noble intentions and old-fashioned principals. His actions borderline on jealously and obsession but you hope that it comes from a place of genuine concern rather than insecurity or a will to control. He treats you like a lady, even when you’d prefer to be treated like an equal. He is not very sexually adventurous. The pedestal he puts you on feels unstable and you’d rather be on the same level. If you break up he will try to be understanding and then beat himself up for weeks.

2. The Player
He’s on every dating site. He has so many girlfriends he can’t remember anything you’ve told him or separate your story from others he’s heard. He wears a lot of cologne and regularly gets new sneakers. The sex is great but he’s not in it for anything more. He will make grandiose promises but never live up to them. Getting serious is always just a few steps away but hinges on him breaking it off with someone else first. It’s never going to happen. He is playing you. He has the emotional capacity of a 14-year old and thinks that dating is a game. If you break up he will find someone else to string along for as long as he can get away with it.

3. The Suckler
He never got off the teat. He needs a mommy and wants you to do everything for him. He has trouble with responsibility, as well as dressing himself. He has never done his own laundry. These guys are often found in their parents’ basement playing video games. They are needy. You must plan the dates and make him feel comfortable. He likes spooning more than you do. You think he will eventually grow up, but he won’t. He has always gotten everything he needs from a matriarch and will continue to desire such treatment. If you break up he will cry at his mom’s breast and eat lots of ice cream.

4. The Friend with Benefits
He wants you to come over but he never takes you out. You haven’t met any of his friends. The sex is great but the conversation is dull. He treats you like a friend that he doesn’t like very much. His living quarters are situated around the bed and you typically spend more time there than any other room. He will keep calling (or texting drunk at 3am) as long as you keep giving it to him. He does not respect you as a person. You are his real-life sex doll. If you break up he will find someone else willing to have sex with no commitments.

5. The Non-Committer
He’s afraid of getting serious. Anytime the “where do we stand” conversation comes up he changes the subject. He likes dating but won’t give you the satisfaction of a serious relationship. He is apathetic to most things in his life and hardly ever takes charge in a situation. He lets others lead and prefers to take a non-active role in decision-making. He does not like change. He will date you for years and never decide to take it to the next level. If you break up he will wonder why and pine for a while.

6. The Overbearing One
He can’t get enough of you. His actions can only be described as smothering. He wants to spend every minute with you. He doesn’t want you to see anyone but him. He makes plans for you this weekend and the next and next month… and a vacation this summer! He says the “L”-word way too soon and seems like he is too interested to be for real. He spoils you with surprises and gifts. He is charming and polite but cannot stop from coming on too strong. If you break it off he will curse you out and text you for months.

7. The Get-Rich-Quick
He has a job but thinks he can do better. You see him every few months and each time he has a get-rich-quick scheme of some kind. He invested heavily in stocks right after the crash. He has more savings in BitCoins than in a bank. He has an online T-Shirt design company and several websites that failed to generate income. He is waiting for his big payoff. You are waiting for him to realize that if he put in as much effort at his day job as he does his schemes he’d be doing much better. If you break it off he will need half the freeze-dried food in his underground bunker.

8. The Demi-God
He thinks he’s amazing. He often smells his own farts. He treats others like servants. He will date you as long as it’s convenient if you pepper him with compliments and boost his ego. He takes longer to do his hair than you do, and he owns more shoes as well. He’s got money and doesn’t mind spending it, but his priorities are askew. He doesn’t love anyone as much as he loves himself. He is his ultimate fantasy and he spends hours looking at himself in mirrors and taking selfies. If you break up he will get a massage and enjoy a nice steak.

9. The Intellectual
He spends most of his time pondering the existential question of “why are we here” while you sit on his couch wondering “why am I here?” He thinks too much. He considers himself a man of the world but hardly ever leaves the city he lives in. He spends too much time thinking about the entire world and not enough time thinking about his own life and relationships. He drinks whiskey and has a sweater for every day of the week. He is deep, but too deep. He has no sex drive. You’d like him to occasionally put the book down and touch your boobs. If you break up with him he will question everything except himself.

10. The Worker Bee
He is his khakis. Work is all he cares about. If he’s a banker all he talks about is banking. If he’s a drummer all he talks about is drumming. This guy is totally consumed by his work. You have little to no chance of establishing a romantic connection with him. It’s not because he doesn’t care. He just doesn’t have time to get to know you. You are not his girlfriend, you are an accessory. The banker needs a woman on his arm to attend business dinners and fundraisers. The drummer needs a groupie. Either way you are not actually connecting with him, simply satisfying his need to bring someone around and keep up appearances. If you break up with him he will spend more time at work and eventually find new arm candy.

Click here to find out what type of insane girl you’re dating!

– John Powers

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