Sexy Chick with an Oral Fixation

10 Reasons Why You’re Not Getting Blowjobs

Emily Russell
Emily Russell

When engaging in sexual activity with a male partner the age old question always arises: To blow or not to blow? There are many reasons why a woman may scoff at the idea of having your throbbing penis in her pucker. Sexual proclivities vary from person to person and compatibility or lack thereof can be a deal breaker. My fiance and I long ago had a discussion that went as follows: “If I wasn’t so amazing at giving head we probably wouldn’t be together.” To which he replied, “Probably not.” My natural response, “That’s cool, I would have dumped you if your dick wasn’t so big.” Honesty is key to a happy relationship. Here are the top five reasons why women may not want to salivate on your shlong or schmeckle.

5. Give a Little Get a Little.
“…It is more blessed to give than to receive.” (Acts 20:35) While I can’t speculate as to Jesus’ cunnilingus expertise, I can state that the women I surveyed indicated that they would be more willing to go downtown if the act was reciprocated. In Season 3 Episode 2 of Louie our antihero is set up on a date. Melissa Leo’s character Laurie goes down on him in her truck and he attempts to get out of returning the favor by saying he “doesn’t know her that well.” Dating woman not ready for sex are often asked by the man, “How about a BJ?” As though the act of pleasing him is less intimate. It’s also just plain rude to expect it. Our bodies are gifts and we can choose to share them or not. Gentlemen, if you forego all other acts of chivalry please remember the adage: Ladies first. When a man performs oral sex on a woman he displays that he is a courteous and giving lover. Translation: A guy who is attentive to your orgasm will nurture other aspects of your relationship and would likely make a better partner for procreation. On to 69ing. When a man is on top in that situation the balls tend to descend onto your face. Also, the anus is precariously perched within the eye line. Your hairy, potentially unclean rectum is not a turn on. 69ing with a woman on top is a better choice but for the butt factor again. Some guys like going nose deep into a girl’s dark star, but not all women are fans of a tossed salad, despite what Jenny Craig says. Optimal 69 position is both partners on their sides. It also makes it easier to deep throat. The main flaw of the 69 position is that once one person starts to enjoy themselves they tend to cease providing equal enjoyment for their partner. Breathing is an important factor for women reaching climax and it’s more difficult to do so with a fleshy obstruction in your esophagus.

4. Hygiene
Women have all sorts of masochistic modes to gussy up our pussy. From shaving, waxing, and laser removal to the bizarre vajazzling trend (Ladies, guys could care less if your vertical smile sparkles.) Men have never been lauded for their impeccable cleanliness. I’m going to lay it down for you bros. Your balls smell bad. REALLY, REALLY BAD. Like vinegar and fish sticks left to bake in the Death Valley sun. We all know the old joke about God being a bad engineer for putting a playground next to a cesspool. That punch line hits both ways. While you’re jogging around your hairy, saggy, sperm sacks are slapping up your butt crack. T’ain’t pretty. Whoopie Goldberg observed that guys don’t wipe their tip. If I had a nickel for every time I saw a guy with a piss dribble on his shorts I would have enough nickels to roll in my fist as I punch them in the grundle. Which brings me to foreskin. I pulled back my fair share of turtle necks, and while it may make it easier to jerk that gherkin it also creates an ideal environment for odor causing bacteria. I know it’s not easy to shave your balls, I’ve done it (not my own). The skin is more taunt when you have a boner, which I suppose is hard to sustain with a razor so close to your rooster. The point is, trim that shit. Your dick will look bigger. Nobody wants to floss with your pubes. If I have to shave, so do you! I know girls who douche before a date and gay friends who will do an at home enema. Find a middle ground, the effort will be appreciated.

3. Wrong Kind of Facial
Maybe it’s because we live in the age of internet porn where terms such as Bukkake, Cumshot, and Moneyshots elicit nods of recognition rather than furrowed brows of confusion. Some women don’t mind sperm in their eyes but don’t expect everyone to hop on that sticky train. Guys were once just excited when you agreed to swallow their tangy load rather than spit. Now it seems that every guy feels entitled to splooge baby batter all over your carefully exfoliated and moisturized face. Different women have different preferences. I think cumming on someones face is disrespectful. Why? Power. There is a lot of power exchange going on during sex. Personally, I have sensitive skin and it can be irritating. I recall one instance when my lover accidentally brushed the cum rag against his own face. He immediately recoiled. Being a generous lover I compromised with my fiance. I told him that if he researches female ejaculation and can make me squirt my lady juice onto his unsuspecting face… then he can blow a load on mine. In this case, an eye for an eye makes everyone sticky.

2. Face Fuckers
Men tend to grab the back of girl’s heads like a basketball and just go to town like a jackrabbit on No-Doze. How would you like to swallow an English cucumber whole? Lockjaw and neck cramps are painful problems. Part of what women enjoy about giving head, yes some women enjoy it, is the power. They literally have the bull by the balls. Women are aware that the greatest number of nerve endings are at the tip of the penis. That is why many choose to work the tip with their mouths and the shaft/balls with their hands. Being in control of another person’s orgasm is a powerful thing. Rather than exerting your power on your partner’s delicate mouth cede power and the woman will gladly go to town. Full discloser: my fiance is a face fucker. It is his favorite thing in the world. I won’t say I have learned to like it, although he would beg to differ, but I will say that the enjoyment he gets from it is a turn on. Before you brutalize someone’s mouth, make sure they are okay with it. It’s totally hot when a guy says things as simple as, “Yeah, you like that?” Just don’t expect an answer if her mouth is full. It’s not polite.

1. Gag Reflexes
Surprise! The number one reason woman don’t like to suck dick has nothing to do with you. That’s right, some women find it physically difficult or impossible to perform a blow job comfortably. The pharyngeal reflex is a natural response of the body that prevents us from choking. About one third of healthy adults don’t have a gag reflex. People such as sword swallowers and porn stars have learned to suppress said reflex. Often people who suffer from bulimia have similarly inhibited gag reflexes from years of inducing vomit. That’s what guys think is sexy, right? Vomit on your cock? Yeah, no. Didn’t think so. Some women just don’t feel sexy when they are nauseated, even if you are being so generous as to hold their hair back. They may just fear you are about to face fuck them. My fiance likes to whip his dick out right after dinner. Countless times I have explained to him that I don’t wish to up chuck the delicious food he so lovingly prepared. To which he responds, “There are leftovers in the fridge.” I have thus coined the term BJ-limia as a way to describe my Face Fucker supported “eating” disorder.

So there you have it folks. A little BJ TMI FYI. And remember, in the interminable words of my role model Samantha Jones, “Easy? Honey, they don’t call it a job for nothing.” My fiance likes to think of it more as a Blow Hobby. I don’t get paid after all. Maybe it’s an unpaid internship. Monica Lewinsky could not be reached for comment. Although I’m sure she would just say something along the lines of “glug urg glug.”

– Emily Russell
@EmilyRussellAct
http://www.emilyrussellactress.com

John Powers
John Powers

Blowjobs are a sticky subject. It’s a big deal to men. It’s massive. This is a ballsy article. It’s gonna go deep, but we can take it slow. I’m going to ease into this a little at a time. Are you ready for it? I’m not going to shove my opinions down your throat. Open your mind nice and wide and see if you can swallow this…

5. You’re Asking For Too Much
She knows you want it. We all want it. She will do it when she feels like it. Let her decide when that will be. Try not to refer to it as a blowjob. That makes it sound like work. Call it oral stimulation or cock-munching. Those are terms that go down smooth. The guy who complains about never getting blowjobs… never gets a blowjob. There needs to be some tact in your approach. Just like every sex act it should be consensual. Try to be ready when she is. Keep yourself clean and well-groomed. Take extra care to wash your balls at least once a day. Invest in a beard and mustache (and balls) trimmer. You will feel more aerodynamic and she is more likely to spend time down there if there is no chance of getting little hairs stuck in her throat. You should also eat pineapples. They are very sweet. You’ll taste better. Tell her how attractive she is. If you make her feel good, she’ll be more inclined to make you feel good. Instead of begging, try being more subtle in your approach. Play a song with subliminal messages like Head Like a Hole. Sneak up behind her on the couch and place your balls on her head. She will be impressed by your forwardness and aroused by your manhood.

4. You Should Go Down on Her
Dude, it’s not all about you. If you want her to swallow your pole, you need to go down on her every now and again. This is a two-way street and you get what you give. Take the initiative once in a while. Give her a night of romance. Ask nothing in return. Make it known that foreplay is your forte and you appreciate giving just as much as receiving. Get into it. Have fun with it. Show her with enthusiasm how much you enjoy making her feel good. Tease her inner thighs for an hour. Try it. Seriously. It won’t happen. Nobody does that anymore. After 15 minutes of taunting her lips she will beg for something more. Give her your tongue. Spell the alphabet. Nah, spell the entire first chapter of Game of Thrones. I guarantee she will orgasm before the Whitewalkers appear. Give a girl an exciting oral session and she will be very happy. She will definitely reciprocate. If not immediately afterward, then certainly at the next opportunity. Nobody keeps track of how often you do it, but if you do it regularly… she will too.

3. You’re with the Wrong Girl
Some girls just don’t do it. They think it’s gross. They prefer to shower, have missionary sex with a condom, then shower again. She never orgasms and her idea of kinky still involves whipped cream. If she’s afraid to get dirty, wet, sloppy, or whatever else you enjoy, then consider finding someone willing to let themselves go. Not getting the perfect blowjob may not be a dealbreaker, but if it’s something you enjoy you should find a woman who enjoys it as well. If you like it deep, find a girl with no gag reflex. If you’re dominate, find a submissive. If you’re a submissive, find a dominatrix. It’s not that complicated. Find someone whose sexual prowess compliments your own. Just don’t get stuck with a prude. Nothing is worse than an uptight blowjob. Oh, except teeth. Nothing is worse than unwanted teeth. Find a girl who has mastered the art of creating suction without dragging her teeth on your dick. It’s better to take care of it yourself than wait 3 days for the teeth marks to heal. A little biting is good… just let her know the difference between a sexy bite and a teeth-dragging meat-massacre.

2. Your Timing is Off
She doesn’t have all night. Let go and stop milking it. Of course it feels good and you never want it to stop, but even if she really enjoys it, she would eventually like you to finish. Let yourself relax and let the orgasm come when it may. Feel free to give her a heads up. Typically when I orgasm I quote the Stone Temple Pilots, “Here I come, I come, I come… I come!” Let her figure out the rhythm of your body. The ideal blowjob should be longer than 10 minutes, but less than 45. That’s about all she can give in one session. After that her enthusiasm will fade and you’ll be less likely to get it next time… and that sucks! If you have music playing, try to wrap it up before the 9th or 10th song. Feel free to grab a boob or two. Some guys finish quicker than others. If you don’t think you can last 10 minutes, try to take breaks, or tease her with it and bide your time. You want her to enjoy this and be aroused as well. You’re much more likely to get post-blow sex if you show her you can last for a while.

1. You Have No Etiquette
If she has a gag reflex, don’t hump her face. She (most likely) doesn’t want to spew on you. Respect that. If she is a talented deepthroater, let her go at her pace. One of man’s most important unanswered questions is “where am I supposed to put my hands while she sucks it?” Do what feels natural. If you like certain things, tell her. She may not mind if you hold her hair. She may not mind if you hold her head. She may not mind if you thrust a bit. She may not mind if you slap her across the face with it. She is either down or not. The only way to find out is to communicate. Tell her what you like and see if she’s willing to experiment. Try not to make her uncomfortable. Everyone has a different threshold for kink and she may not do certain things. She may not like doing it on her knees. That makes some women feel like whores. She may like doing it on her knees. Some women like to feel like whores. She may gargle. She may spit. She may not like to swallow. Try not to get hung up on the one thing she doesn’t do. Be grateful that she gobbles at all. Likewise with facials. Though research has proven the health benefits of semen on the face (chest… ass… ) she may not feel like a pornstar. Respect her wishes and thank her for making you feel good.

One more thing to take down before I finish… being intimate is mostly about sensations. A sensual “slowjob” can be very enjoyable sometimes. Ask her to go as slowly and erotically as possible. You’ll thank me later.

– John Powers
@ComicJohnPowers
http://www.johnjpowers.com

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2 thoughts on “10 Reasons Why You’re Not Getting Blowjobs”

  1. Dipping him in a can of Sweetened Condensed Milk has always proven popular, not to mention a fierce display of creativity; &so for the rest of all of their lives they will each remember me (among a whole host of other triggers, of course) each and every time they see a can of the sweetened condensed milk, or as we say in Spanish, “leche condensada” lol!

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