I’ve been in many different types of relationships (which is successful or not based on your definition of success). One of the key influences of my love-life has been varying viewpoints on monogamy and non-monogamy. I will define both types for you, as well as erect erotic examples (say that three times fast).
Monogamy is a societal construct based on the idea that a traditional relationship should be exclusive, generally on all levels of emotional, mental (and especially) sexual needs. This type of restrictive thinking is outdated. I can understand how back in the day when people played sperm-roulette, it was used to identify the father. With modern advances in contraceptives, we don’t need such a rigid system to organize people. Sure, there will always be people, erm I mean corporations, like Hobby Lobby that will need babies to build an army.
I use non-monogamy here as an umbrella term for different types of “non-traditional” relationships: polyamory, open relationships, friends with benefits, etc. It is also possible to combine some aspects of monogamy and non-monogamy into the same relationship. For instance, my general preference is to be in a “open” relationship, the open part encompassing being physical with other people.
I like the rush that comes from playing with someone new, the physical intensity. Fingertips trailing over my body; a kinetic energy that manifests into a thousand electric sensations. Torn between anticipation of their exploration and the desire to direct them to my most sensitive spots. Most of all I like the simplicity of it; the instinctual mutual desire for pleasure, unburdened by the quest for meaning.
On the “monogomish” side, I also like the experience of playing with my primary partner; a pleasure that we build together. I like the precise touches and the familiar scent; a brand of intimacy that reflects the emotional connection between us.
I will now impart on you the wisdom I have acquired from all of my lovers and conquests:
1) Asses your own wants and needs in life. You can even write it all down right now, I’ll wait.
2) Figure out which type of relationship fills those wants and needs the best.
3) Don’t judge. Some of the best mistakes I’ve made were from not judging!
4) Be honest about your intentions. Don’t be a jerk about it. People hate surprises.
5) Open communication, transparency and full disclosure are important. Even if it means pausing a sexy moment to awkwardly call your partner and ask if it’s cool to proceed.
6) Embrace the realistic side of sex, one of which is STD testing.
7) If your relationship revolves around the idea that nobody else is allowed to stick their cock in/ put a vag around/use a toy on/ your partner due to personal insecurities, you may want to re-think the strength of that bond.
8) Jealousy is inevitable, and sharing (under honest pretenses) forces you to face your fears. Use that energy to improve yourself.
9) Different people can open you up to new experiences and interests, which you can share with your partner/s.
10) You should want people to be with you because you’re awesome (and you know how to do that thing with your tongue), not because you forbade them from being with anyone else.
– Rachel Tobias
Monogamy is a dirty word that means only having sex with one person. As a married man, I swore before God and the people I love most that I would not have sex with anyone besides my wife. That’s a serious commitment. That means a lot to me.
Should you be monogamous?
Yes. In my opinion there is nothing more fulfilling than sharing yourself with one special person. The bonds you form are stronger than any other type of relationship. Sex is shallow but devotion is deep. Being completely honest and true to another person opens you both up into an entirely new level of comfort, trust and love. We all have moments of doubt and question but love is not just a feeling, it is a decision. I chose wisely and will continue to choose my wife above all others every day of my life. She’s the only one that gets me, mind, body and soul.
That’s pretty cool.
A philosophy professor of mine explained why he feels that polygamous marriages are inevitably coming in the near future. The traditional definition of marriage is a (1) Sacred bond between a man and a woman (2) to forsake all others (3) …until death. Once one facet of this is challenged, the entire concept comes under question.
Clearly the past 50 years has eliminated the “until death” aspect of the contract. The divorce rate is 50%, so half of the people saying those words will not actually be together until their death. We are currently fighting for the right of homosexual couples to share the bonds of marriage. That would rewrite the first line of the definition to say, “a sacred bond between two people.” The only aspect left to question is the forsaking of others.
My professor’s belief is that within 10-20 years we will see marriage contracts between several people of either sex for a definite amount of time. “Do you, Justin, take Kelly, Dave and Paula to be your lawfully wedded people for the next 3 years?”
There are all types of relationships. If you are a person who likes variety, mystery, and sexual experimentation with new people, you should be honest about that with your lovers. It may make it more difficult for you to get married under the current guidelines but there are plenty of couples that take those words less seriously than others.
Let’s just say you’re not married…
I’ve got nothing against fornication. (I like Californication even better!) It’s important that a person experiences as much as possible in a lifetime and sexual exploration is certainly an experience. The only way to know what you like (or don’t like) is to try it. Prior to marriage the average American engages in sexual activity with 10 different partners. That’s a bigger sampling than Goldie Locks and bear porridge. Enjoy it. Have seconds.
Just keep in mind that your player lifestyle may dissuade certain potential partners from getting closer to you. If you’re alright with that then this is a non-issue. If you plan on being monogamous at some point, then it might make sense to give each lover their own opportunity to know you exclusively and get to know them without the distraction of juggling other relationships.
Life is too short to live without good sex. If you plan on being monogamous, go for a few test-drives before you forsake all others. It’s much easier to be faithful to someone when you feel satisfied with your choices and make them intentionally. If you are planning on having multiple partners as a lifestyle than embrace it, be honest about it, and a have a great time.