Why Fantasy Sports Hurt Your Sex Life

John Powers
John Powers

It’s football season again, and many women are wondering why their men are suddenly spending much more time at their computers. This whole “fantasy” phenomenon is something that’s been going on for years. Even before the internet, losers all over the country have been pretending to be the head coach of their favorite team. They would call each other and write down which player they picked, then keep track of their stats all season long. It started with the geeks and moved to the jocks. The only dudes who aren’t really into it are the skaters and the metal-heads. Just a warning, if you date one of those, they might be into marijuana or heavy-metal, respectively.

I’ll admit that I used to play. The guys around the office (I work at a Sports TV station) would start a “league” and I would make a “team” (…typically the Ball-Whackers) and then we would have “live drafts” and “trade players” for the duration of the season. It was fun to a certain degree, but after a few weeks I stop paying attention to it. I don’t watch a lot of games, and my other hobbies are much more fun (guitar, comedy… sex…)

It is a time-consuming distraction from real life. There are much more constructive things these guys could be doing if they weren’t staring at a screen full of statistics. They could go on a date or two. It’s very hard to get laid while watching TV. Trust me, I’ve tried. Although most women try to be supportive of this whole “fantasy” thing, they really shouldn’t be. It’s less productive than video games and more nerdy than Guardians of the Galaxy.

Another tip for the ladies of fantasy sport-obsessed men… the only thing that makes fantasy sports worthwhile is money. If your guy is getting a monetary reward at the end of the season for his hard work (and lack of sex) then it might be worth it, as long as he gives you a percentage. If not, then he’s wasting his time and you’ll have to pay for your own damn coffee table.

It’s not just football either. The “convenient” thing about “sport” is that one season goes right into the next. It’s a constant distraction to simple-minded people all over the world. If your guy is into this stuff he may decide to play fantasy baseball, basketball, tennis or even golf! This will not go away on its own. If you simply cannot handle his addiction, confront him about it. Let him know that you are concerned with the amount of time he spends watching other men play with their balls. If he cannot learn to moderate his behavior then find a guy who would rather get laid than stare at a screen double-clicking his mouse.

Oh, and in all fairness… women play too. According to arbitrarystatistics.com, female players now account for 20% of fantasy sport accounts. Guys, if your girl plays fantasy sports one of two things are in play… she is either the most amazing woman in the world and you should put a ring on her immediately… or she’s really a dude.
Good luck!

– John Powers

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