Category Archives: Normal

That One Thing Women Do That Drives Men Crazy

Standup Comic John Powers NYC Dear Jp Comedian Advice Sex Column Relationship Dating Love Advisor Counsel
John Powers

There’s something that all women do that makes men crazy.
They walk out of the room while talking. 

Some of the brightest minds in the world today are working hard to pinpoint the cause of this phenomenon. Here’s what they have narrowed it down to…

They Do Not Understand Sound
wavesoundYou see, sound travels in waves. The waves come out of your mouth and move in whatever direction you are facing. Once the wave hits a wall it bounces back. If you go around a corner most of the sound will go with you. If you are speaking to someone, you will get optimal volume delivery to your target if you are in the same room and your mouth is facing their general direction.
Give it a try. You’ll be amazed at the results!

They Think You Will Follow Them
If you are talking to me, I am under no obligation to follow you in order to keep up with the conversation. If it was a dialogue I would follow you into the other room to be sure you heard my response, but your monologue requires no action on my part. Anyone who has studied the art of communicating knows that the emphasis is on the communicator to convey their message effectively to the recipient. The recipient will only follow you into the other room if they are very interested in your content, and hanging on your every word. Unfortunately for you, your Home Depot suggestion list is simply not that interesting.

They Are Multitasking
Nothing says “this conversation is not very important to me” better than multitasking. Doing something else at the same time tells me you do not care enough about the words coming out of your mouth to make them a priority to you. That makes it extra hard for me to rationalize making them a priority to me. Sometimes I’m convinced women don’t even realize they’re guilty of this one. They’re looking at their phone, reading an article about millennials in the workplace, and eating a small bag of pita chips while talking …and yet somehow we are expected to be paying close attention to all the important stuff coming out of their face. My apologies. I’m busy too. These Angry Birds are not going to fling themselves.
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They Forgot They Were Talking
Sometimes a woman cannot tell if the words are in her head or being spoken, out loud, to another person. On more than one occasion my wife has held me accountable for something she thought she said, then apologized after realizing she was only thinking it. The reverse can also happen. A woman can be 10 minutes into a conversation and not hear a reply, and still assume that her man is listening. Careful with this one guys, it’s a gray area and whether you hear her or not you can and will be held responsible.

If you’re a man who is dealing with a woman who routinely does this to you, I hope this article has brought some clarity. If you’re a woman and you think your man is losing his hearing… he’s not, we just get tired of listening intently to what you are saying in the other room.

– John Powers
@ComicJohnPowers

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Dear Women: Wine Is Not the Answer

Standup Comic John Powers NYC Dear Jp Comedian Advice Sex Column Relationship Dating Love Advisor Counsel
John Powers

There’s been a trend in the past decade or so that is hard to miss – women use wine for everything. Look at any TV show, movie, or Facebook feed and you will see what I mean. The modern female has replaced cigarettes with wine. Tough day at work? No respect from your man? Out of control kids? The answer to all of your problems is… wine.

Looking at all these portrayals of attractive, fun, carefree women… thanks to wine… makes me sick. Wine does not make you more attractive unless the person looking at you is drinking it. It may take the edge off but it does not take your problems away. It distracts you from them.

This is modern oppression, folks. This is the antithesis of feminism. This is society telling you, ladies, that you’re not hip, sexy, smart, or carefree… that you’re not good enough… without wine.

The person writing this is a man. He understands social norms and situational comforts. He has performed standup comedy at every major club in Manhattan and spent many late nights socializing with fans afterwards. Many of those late nights included booze, but guess what? Some did not. There were times when a glass of Sprite fit my mood better than a glass of whiskey. The conversation you hold is more important than the drink.

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It’s bad enough we still live in an age where women feel compelled to paint their face and highlight their physique to be taken seriously in the corporate world. Now they also need a glass of wine at every function that calls for it, and some that do not.

These women also feel the need to joke about wine anytime someone may consider them a threat. It’s much harder to be intimidated with someone who is joking about drinking. It takes the edge off the conversation. It’s not exactly self-deprecating, but it certainly puts your audience at ease. “Ah, I can relax and not watch what I say, they are joking about wine!” Not exactly. She is merely playing into the new stereotype. She is either taking advantage of this perception to get your guard down, or she’s incredibly insecure and the wine is the mask behind which she hides her self-determined unworthiness.

I have a solution… be yourself. You’re fine with wine. You’re fine without wine. Do not buy into the fashion. Believe it or not you can respond to any and all of life’s situations without turning to booze for assistance. You are actually more able to think clearly and form coherent sentences without alcohol. The most important thing is to be comfortable with who you are. You do not need a crutch or a social lubrication. You need serenity within yourself.

– John Powers
@ComicJohnPowers

The Peter Pan Man

Standup Comic John Powers NYC Dear Jp Comedian Advice Sex Column Relationship Dating Love Advisor Counsel
John Powers

A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend. She’s been his girlfriend for years but that is all. I’m sure there was a good reason. There’s always a good reason.

…but it led me to reflection. Looking at the boys in the hood, the guys who were teens and 20s the same time I was, I start to get very sad. A majority of them are not married yet. I’d put a guess at 75% unwed. Some of them are dating, but some have all but given up on finding someone.

I’m not sad because my friends are not married. I’m sad because my generation is not doing it right. When I look for something to do on the weekend, in my 30s, in my quiet part of town… I am no longer looking to get shit-faced. I am no longer interested in doing things that could get me arrested. 30-something John wants to have 1 or 2 beers, cook something on the grill, and watch people I love splash around in the pool.

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I hear the same stories over and over. The entitled millennial men are looking for Barbie. Not just the beauty beyond belief, they are also looking for the girl with the dream house and the convertible and whatever career her outfit comes with. Their Moms did too much for them and made them feel a bit too special. They think that by being alive, they are entitled to a gorgeous woman who will take care of them in every way as long as they don’t beat her or sleep with anyone else.

Guess what guys… those rules no longer apply. A generation or two ago a man could get by with little to no effort. We are not so lucky. This generation of men is required to chip in. Our women read a lot of articles and have a lot of expectations. You should know how to do your own laundry and how to cook.

We are the product of the divorce boom. We saw our parents split up and we noticed how much happier Mom was after 3 glasses of wine. We saw how Dad’s second wife whipped him into shape better than Mom ever did. We saw our friends’ and cousins’ parents split.

…and realized we don’t have to sacrifice. We don’t need to take no shit. Nothing lasts forever, most marriages fail, and if I can’t be totally head over heels every day, then fuck it.

We are the “fuck it” generation. If something is hard it’s not worth doing. If a relationship becomes work we reactivate our Match.com profile. We are not willing to sacrifice or compromise or put someone else’s needs before our own.

I call guys like this the “Peter Pan Man.” They never want to grow up. They want to pretend they are still young, and have fun, and run when a relationship starts to get serious. Their “Mental Age” is not the same as their actual age. They want to be free and play games and stay a kid forever… but that’s just not how it works. If you don’t grow and mature, everything around you does and leaves you in the same place wondering where everyone went.

That, my friends, is why my friends are still dating in their mid- to late-30s. Not because they haven’t met anyone good enough for them, but because they have not been good enough for anyone else. I’m hoping a few of them grow up. I’m getting tired of having strange women in my pool.

– John Powers
@ComicJohnPowers